WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
