Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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