i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
