Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
