I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
