my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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