I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Randomize
