Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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