thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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