i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Randomize
