at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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