your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
