Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
