Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
