I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
