I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
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