i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
