Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
