I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
