i permit you to call me
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Randomize
