so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
