No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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