Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Randomize
