please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
