Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
