shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
