Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
