my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Randomize
