He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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