I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I'm too high and old for this...
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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