I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
