Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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