guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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