FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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