Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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