we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
