i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
My vagina just clenched in fear
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
