Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
