I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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