I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
