If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Randomize
