FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
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