Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
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I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
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Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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