before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
