"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
