I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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