im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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