Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
