What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Randomize