Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
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I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
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THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
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