let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
