Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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