ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
