im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
